please

what you are doing

is cruel

and humiliating.

must you seek

revenge

on the 

broken hearted?

more?

i cannot.

i cannot.

i am sorry.

do not worry,

when if it-

you will be fine,

i will be back,

i love you.

i love you.

and i cannot help,

it will not help,

what is time going to do?

but make me 

a lonely stranger

and you 

advantageous. 

(is that what you are getting after?)

i do not believe it.

i trust you.

and i am sorry

that i do it to you.

i am a dummy.

i can make an earnest effort 

not to

but 

i would only be swallowing.

and that is half the battle.

i know how much it kills you.

i know how much it concerns you.

i have an idea how much it annoys you.

i am listening

do not punish me

for loving you

embarrassingly

out-loud.

i trust you too

to know

that i am not a

good swimmer,

and i have come

this far.

so far.

please.

fuck

you right now.

i hope "some 

fresh air"

takes you 

far far far

away from me. 

and farther still.

you'll "do right by me"

by continuing to do

just that. 

bon voyage.

she will relent!

let's prove to them;

our love is a religion.

i know

in the end

i was the 

mvp

and you were

so very 

happy

to have

me

and

sweet

and

twenty years

you finally

begin to

see

and after all the

it's not

you

it's me s

and it's really

really

just

me

i would like for it to be 

about concerning right now

me

if you think

that

sending me to 

bermuda

for a three night stay

will make me forget about you?

you're wrong

for starters

a seven night stay

and we'd 

have to share 

a towel and a twin

i love you

so much

that i don't want to take you to the movies

or kiss and say i do

or spend the rest of my life with:

no.

don't ask me how it makes sense

just trust me

you're perfect

it's true.

but i never want you in my arms

but i'd like to grow old with you. 

you surprise me,

keep it up.

you're only making it easier

for me to undo

every last bit of

investment i have in you.

maybe a fixer-upper

isn't the best

for a first time homeowner.

and maybe the world

isn't enough

for a first rate jet-setter.

and perhaps it won't ever be.

it's never going to

be.

and all i ever wanted was a house with a yard.

spencermary

wants to invite you over

to make out. 

learning the fox trot

as we go. 

slow, slow,

quick-step.

stop circling.

slow, slow,

where are your eyes?

quick-step.

what are you looking for?

slow, slow,

why such a hurry?

quick-step.

one

two

three 

four

.

red yoga pants

had her pick of the sea

and then she put in next to me

my shoulders slipped back

my pencil lay still

your sweet, florid strokes

course hair

and gentle breathing

made mine stop and start 

weaning itself

having to

from your breaths of fresh air.

and then the projector reappeared from the dark

and the tables were shifting

and i silently slowly sadly shyly 

gathered my things

and made for the door:

behind you.

just

sitting here

lapping warm milk and puffs

thinking about spirituality

wondering if she meant 

the jesus or the chi

how can i answer that question?

why can't i answer that question?

the world is a weird wonderful place

and but and but and but and but 

i'm happy fakin' rest

if you'll scooch a little closer.

cuz you gotta fly low

to get a little high. 

i'm tryin'

i'm tryin'

don't push me too far

i told you this would happen

now look at where we are

pensive in the corner

but you're never very far-

gettin' love stoned

on cigarettes and pop songs. 

i'm sorry

i'm sorry

never meaning to make you wary

when i lean a little closer it's for the whiskey

not the cherry

i told you this would happen

but there's nothing to be done

spin the bottle

spin the bottle

not ev'ry prize is meant to be won.

spencermary is

loving you tender, forever and ever. 

don't care

don't care
don't care
don't care.
there are very good kinds of reckless
and bad kinds of reckless.
and some kinds of reckless that are fighting the good fight
and some kinds of reckless that should just leave it alone.
i am reckless in love,
and it's killing me.
so, i'll be reckless without her.
but before i go,
one last plea, naturally, borrowed from shakespeare:

"O Mistress mine, where are you roaming?
O stay and hear! your true-love's coming
That can sing both high and low;
Trip no further, pretty sweeting,
Journeys end in lover's meeting-
Every wise man's son doth know.

What is love? 'tis not hereafter;
Present mirth hath present laughter;
What's to come is still unsure:
In delay there lies no plenty, -
Then come kiss me, Sweet-and-twenty,
Youth's a stuff will not endure."

and now, for a well deserved sandwich.

stop.

you're being melodramatic

self loathing

self-conscious

and self-pitying. 

you stink.

oh, mexico.

i don't think i will ever get the chance to say

half as many of the things

that i'd like to say to you.

can nothing be done?

it's OK.

i don't have anything really important to say.

which is why i'm still on the phone.

i don't want to distract you from your other conversation.

we'll talk later?

(she laughs)

aaaaaaaaand we're off!

the phone.

these are the reasons we'll never talk.

(she laughs)

as you wish, ma cher!

this isn't my fault.

this is my fault.

i'm beginning to feel 

that maybe

i'm the only one who has anything important to say.

no,

that's not what i meant.

it's OK.

(she laughs, and clears her throat, musters the courage to speak again)

perhaps i'm the only one who has anything pressing

to say

so

we don't talk

because

it's more my agenda

and

why would we talk

if we have nothing to talk about?

nothing.

and

"talk"

sounds so scary and daunting and foreboding and hard

and no good.

which is the opposite of what i want.

(she laughs)

i'm not too worried about it...

it seems to be a matter of timing more than anything.

and i want to have the conversation in person.

but in person

might get messy.

i feel like it would be better.

but then it can't be make believe

or forgiven

or forgotten.

forgiven?

why would i want to forget? 

because i have a bad feeling.

then why not wait until it stops being a bad feeling

and talk when it's a good feeling?

despite what you may think about our friendship,

i don't intend to go, anyway.

**anywhere?

(she laughs, tired of hearing about her friends)

i know this is really terrible stupid timing

but it's sort of funny

because i have to go right now.

laughing?

(she screams)

no

so hard that you can't stop long enough to breathe?

no.

it's easy for you to say.

it

s all easy

for you to say.

until one day you've got a beau for real-

i'm sorry

-and i can't stand to be around you 

anylonger.

so

i don't know if i can wait, anymore

**for a good feeling to come around

because good vibes are deceiving.

and hardly ever shared.

or requited.

and

you should go.

hopefully i'll get to talk to you again before the night is through.

(she laughs, and laughs, and laughs because:

it's so easy for you to say, but you don't, and i wonder)

new dress

two's 

    company,

three's 

     a 

           crowd.

and for as long as there's another,

you won't find me around.

about make believe person

who made me a make believe mess yesterday evening.

i'm not certain how it all started,

but it all started with a vodka tonic.

perhaps even a few vodka tonics,

and more still.

this frequently seems to be the case.

dreams transcending into reality transcending into heartache.

charmed by some elixir into succumbing to a degenerate,

a bell sounds idly on a Saturday with no promise of a nuptial.

i, on the other hand,

spent a few frigid minutes here and there

in wellingtons and a smoking jacket behind the house,

in preference.

and that's where you'll find me, in the summertime.

barefoot and fresh faced with a pipe and an agenda.

wrapped in a loud silk robe cinched tastefully about the hips. 

if i wasn't busy enraptured in a pair of green eyes

i was being led away by a smaller, but similar pair of hazel ones.

similar in the way that the light reflects off of them, 

and in the way that they seem to triple-dog-dare you to even try.

how i try, and try again.

she tidied the desk and smoothed the blankets 

and propped a stuffed friend against the pillows.

she told me bedtime stories of lions and tigers and each of us three,

a lover, a traveler, and tormented me. 

i may as well have received the royal treatment that you would never sponsor.

coming from a three year old it's almost as if to say:

i know, it's OK.

even my green world was interrupted by the re arrival of those, strangely greener eyes.

like a ring dove cooing in the branches, your silent expressions

confirmed everything i wanted to hear but couldn't believe,

and couldn't possibly understand.

so you keep telling me, that is.

but you've yet to have answered to either of them.

later, in the same voice that i could not understand

you whispered close into my ear to revvvv the engine.

holding me dear from the cold, but what i mean to say  

from the too much space between us.

and your lips kept on moving

and your eyes kept on yearning for some sort of understanding

and the corners of your mouth kept on creeping up your blushing cheeks

and someway, somehow, i was supposed to make sense of it.

in defense and in case

i rolled up the window and breathed you my heart against the pane.

and you asked if we wouldn't stop, that you liked this game.

and we texted moments after as i made my way down the hill

something about a cop out and things being circumstantial. 

then something about too many drinks, and then a few shots more.

then something about driving me crazy and important "friendships" galore.

not a word of which cried promising.

the next morning we smiled and nervously wondered where to start.

an idle afternoon with idle tasks with idle conversation,

forgetting to mention, caught up in the moment, completely slipped my mind

who are we kidding?

start

with the vodka tonics i said, 

and the vodka tonics still i laughed.

f-a-c-e

l-e-g-s

a-r-m-s

how many fingers?

f-i-v-e

o-n-e, t-w-o, t-h-r-e-e-e

e-y-e-s

h-a-i-r

m-o-u-t-h

l-i-p-s

e-a-r-s

e-y-e b-r-o-w-s

s-h-o-e-s

s-o-c-k-s with s-h-o-e-s

can you write: tooo spencer?

i'll do better by you.

that's what i'm afraid of.

you wouldn't really believe a word of it if i told you, anyway.